The Driving Instructor

HarleyDad had been taught by his father to drive, who had been taught by his father. And before that, there were no automobiles, whatsoever.

Thus, it was family tradition that the father would teach the child to drive as an act of passage. It was something like a mechanical Bar Mitzva. When you came of age, you learned and there was a right of passage.

The First to Come of Age was the divine ImpQueen. It was then that HarleyDad learned the meaning of true fear. The ImpQueen had only two speeds. They were “bat out of hell” and stop. For some strange reason, ImpQueen did not condescend to use her brake except to come to a stop and then that was fast. Going around curves was a challenge and the wheels would regularly squeal. Sometimes, HarleyDad went out with the ImpQueen and her good friend Dawn’s Early Light, and it was like going to a drive-in with a double horror flick.

To tell you how bad it was, ImpQueen’s younger brother, the Emerald Prince, would drive to school with ImpQueen. And you can guess how important it is for younger brothers to magically appear in school without the aid of a bus. Pretty Important. Well, after a short period, the Emerald Prince returned to the bus. Suffice it to say, most would not ride with the ImpQueen more than a couple of times unless they were exceedingly desperate.

The second to come to age was the Emerald Prince. At that time he had eaten from the wrong side of the mushroom and was beginning to morph into the Frog Prince. No one taught the frog prince to drive, he just drove. Fortunately, he drove better stoned than most who were in their right minds. We first learned that the Frog Prince (woops, he transformed) when we got a call from Juvenile Detention when he was 13 . It seems like the Frog Prince had been driving all over town in my car during the middle of the night. Our response to Juvenile Detention was : “You must have made a mistake, he is in his bed asleep, and besides, he is only 13 and does not know how to drive. “ Oops, it was our mistake, the Frog Prince was gone.

It was not that Frog Prince was driving badly. No the driving was excellent. He was pulled over because he was driving with the high beams on. He did not know how to dim the lights. It seems that he had not been able to figure out that secret.

The third to come of age was Sparkie. Although HarleyDad was out of practice, having missed training the second child, he immediately got to work with Sparkie passing on those ancient and wonderful family secrets that have made all of us such great drivers.
After a number of weeks of training, Sparkie and HarleyDad went in for the test. Sparkie passed the written test, missing only one question. Then came the driving exam. Evidently, the driving tester, did not appreciate the age old secrets, including the special secret about how to quickly give gas and reduce gas causing nausea to the passenger and other special secrets. And then there was that part about ignoring yield and stop signs. That seemed to make him especially upset.

At the end of test, the tester had only one question. Who taught you to drive? Sparkie said “HarleyDad.” The tester responded, “Get another teacher.” And that is what happened. To the chagrin of HarleyDad, Brokerbelle stepped in. She taught Sparkie for about three days, and Sparkie passed his next test with flying colors.

Now HarleyDad has come to two conclusions from all this. First, he is absolutely sure that for some reason Sparkie and Brokerbelle have conspired against him.

Secondly, when it comes time for Princessbelle to learn to drive, she is taking a driver’s training course.

HarleyDad has had it. It looks like it will be up to ImpQueen to pass on the special family driving secrets to the next generation.