A Christmas Story in Nolandia

After all the food we need to exorcise.

Christmas eve began quietly enough. HarleyDad and his family decided the spend it in Nolandia. All were in good spirits. HarleyDad, Brokerbelle, PrincessBelle her Royal Highness the ImpQueen, Mr. Monarch and their brood—the Beautiful Harbow and the Young Prince.

The first sign of trouble was when the gifts were opened. ImpQueen got red shoes. Now we know she is not Dorothy-so that only leaves one choice. Yes, you got it! The ImpQueen began to transform into the Evil Witch of the East. She kept mumbling about her “pretties” and how the rest of us would soon feel sorry. Also the ImpQueen’s head would turn round and round every time she got excited which was every few minutes.

Then the conversation turned to exorcism as Brokerbelle and the ImpQueen began to discuss meeting with other women at a place called “Curves.” “Yes”, ImpQueen said, “ as soon as the holidays are over I am going to Curves to exorcise.”

Buddha the Pug and Ming the one- eyed then entered the room beginning to dance around with devilish glee. For years, HarleyDad has known that these two animals were familiars and they began to dance around on their hind legs and to make strange chortling noises. These obviously are earlier children of the ImpQueen who did not behave and she changed them into animals-much like Circe did during the time of Odysseus.

More dire omens began to occur. The Young Prince goes to his stocking and pulls out demonic cards with strange hellish creatures on them and yells out O Great these are powerful Yugioh Cards are something like that. The cards are very powerful with ugly creatures on them and horrible things happen to boys and girls who do not have these type of cards to protect themselves. The Young Prince keeps announcing that now he is powerful and invincible. HarleyDad is now convinced that these are some type of double evil tarot cards and that ImpQueen has totally corrupted her children instead of taking them to Sunday School, like she should.

Next, the evil magic goes to work on Princessbelle who gets some type of evil torture machine used to inflict pain on yourself through stretching. Ouch!!!!!!!! Ouch!!!!! She threatens to use the device on HarleyDad and proclaims it as her favorite gift. And oh, the pain feels so good.

The beautiful Harbow receives a gift. The shirt says “Wicked.” HarleyDad is now fairly certain that things are out of control. Shortly after that Harbow’s feet begin to grow and she threatens to step on ImpQueen if Harbow does not get her way.

Then it is out to eat. But things still are occuring out of time and space. First there is the strange discussion regarding head phones and what you can do with them. We are all terribly embarrassed , especially Harbow.

Thankfully, we quickly come to the restaurant. The restaurant is known as “Valentine’s”—but it is Christmas, not Valentines. HarleyDad keeps having visions of The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. The food is excellent. HarleyDad began to think that all was going well. Then a message suddenly appears in one of the dessert plates. We watch as initials form on the plate-HRHI. It is clear that it stands for Her Royal Highness-ImpQueen. HarleyDad quickly pays the bill and the family flees from the restaurant.

We return to the palace of the ImpQueen. As we get to the door-all hell breaks loose (or is it lose-better ask the Grand Patriarch who now gives spelling lessons for a small fee.)

Frosty the Fiend begins to move and make deep growling noises. It dances about in fiendish glee. HarleyDad calls on Brokerbelle to cast out these evil, non-Christmas spirits. It is a real fight. ImpQueen keeps getting cast off the porch and then flees to the inner part of the house-being an Imp herself and is somehow implicated in this terrible idol sitting on her doorstep. Wicked Harbow will have nothing to do with the process. HarleyDad is scared out of his mind.

Frosty the Fiend then possesses Mr. Monarch who grows another head. Meanwhile the Fiend itself transforms into the headless horseman or perhaps it is “Nearly Headless Nick” of Harry Potter fame. Brokerbelle, who never looses her head, casts the fiendish head out and mounts it as a hood ornament of her GMC envoy.

So that is why when other cars are driving around with wreaths on their hoods, HarleyDad and Brokerbelle drive around with the head of Frosty the Fiend on theirs.

It was just another great Christmas in Nolandia.