Leftovers and Time Warps

We are in the mid-Holiday Season. The scraps of Thanksgiving are going down the disposal and Christmas Shopping has begun.

There is a wonderful article by Sharon Begley in the November 26, 2004 edition of The Wall Street Journal entitled "Why Mixing Holidays, Memories and Family So Often Turns Sour."

Now before I proceed, let me first say that we had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year and it was a delight to see my family. So my discussion of this article does not relate to their visit. It does however relate to my dynamics with my own children.

The holidays are often times of depression for many people. Part of the reason is that they do not feel the joy that they are expected to feel in the holidays. All holiday advertising evokes messages of joy, family and giving (i.e. buying products).

For many the holidays turn into times of great stress due to increased financial burdens and responsibilities. Gotta get the house cleaned, the lights up, the Christmas cards out, gifts for the multitudes with each gift being appropriate, fair and proper, and additional cooking. Now I know Brokerbelle will tell me this should not stress you , I do all that. Well, you know how it is--What stresses one -stresses all.

Then there are the Christmas visits. We need to go down to the promised land in order to see Uncle L. in the nursing home down in Beartown and then back up to HardKnock State University to visit the Emerald Prince. From there we go to Lakeland to celebrate Christmas day.

Each of us is saddled with a multitude of additional obligations. (Are the lights up, by the way?)

In addition as we move into these Holiday Seasons, we time warp.

The article by Sharon Begley quotes anthropologist Douglas Raybeck as saying:

"One big source of trouble is that the holidays evoke powerful memories of childhood...we operate off old scripts that we learned as teenagers or as young parents."

To further quote from this article:

"You may be Mr. Jones, CEO, every other day but when you go back for Thanksgiving or

Christmas you're little Mikey all over again-the incompetent adolescent or the least favorite child or the ugly duckling."

"In other words, family gatherings at mom and dad's can quickly put you back in your place-your place of decades ago. You're 35 years old, but Aunt Jane still grills you on how you're spending your allowance--oops, salary-and Dad wonders sweetly why you are wearing"that". You're 55 and raised two kids who have managed to avoid both prison and penury, yet your mother-in-law treats you like the young father who didn't know which end to burp."

Got the picture yet? Holidays are like science fiction--we time warp. We time warp ourselves . When we are with our parents we become to some extent the children and adolescents we used to be. (Mom, do you mind if I go out shopping for a little while?) Like the old Lone Ranger series, we return to "Yesterday Year." Brothers and sisters warp back into old dynamics.

And then the confusion really begins. Those in the middle have their children return. Guess what happens? Yes, these adult children warp back into being children again. It is true that Mikey is now in the military and has been to Iraq and seen death and destruction, yet Mikey is still a helpless child in these dynamics. "Mikey, are you sure you are eating enough?" Crazy dynamics.

Is HarleyDad above all this. No. He is one of the worst of offenders.

A number of years ago HarleyDad and Brokerbelle went with his brother TexBro to the Gulf Coast. TexBro for some reason became more and more upset. Finally, TexBro came to HarleyDad and said that HarleyDad was treating him as a young kid, giving him orders, etc., etc. Didn't HarleyDad realize that TexBro was a responsible adult. HarleyDad had experienced the dread disease of Holiday Time Warp! The horrible thing about this disease is that you can do it and never realize that you are doing it. (By the way relatives, I did not warp back to my childhood despite the fact that TexBro was actually surprised that I shared my Harley, nor did TexBro pick on me--at least not too much.)

So what is the answer for Time Warp disease? The Wall Street Journal Article suggests: "Forget all those idealizations of family holiday gatherings. Lower your expectations. Pessimists are rarely disappointed."

In other words, use the "glass is half-empty mentality."

My answer is : We all time warp just be aware of it. Try to know when you are doing it to others and when it is occuring to you. When your spouse time warps be patient. The dynamics are not ordinary.

Short visits are best. My parents taught me the adage: "Fish and visitors stink after three days." On one occasion they said to Brokerbelle and I--"Now that you live closer-come see us-just not too often." They were not being unkind. They were being wise. They know that old dynamics get rather peculiar.

I wonder what it must of been like when the Commander of the Armies, General Eisenhower, came to visit his mother during the holidays. "Ike, would you take out the garbage. " "You bet, Mom!"

HarleyDad signing off.